"Teacher Mommy"

Ahhh, another week down. But this was a special week because I began homeschooling Konnor for preschool. Had I not said anything to him about having preschool at home, I don't think he would have known what was going on. We have done more crafts this week than I think he did the entire time he was in preschool last year! We did fine motor and gross motor activities and a whole bunch more stuff. It was great and he seemed to enjoy it!! It amazed me to see how he learns and processes tasks. A typical boy...he loves doing things with his hands! But it was so sweet when he was sitting at the table wearing Rob's shirt as a paint smock, and painting WITH apples (it was APPLE theme this week!) when he said, "Teacher Mommy, this is really fun!"....awwww, "Teacher Mommy"!!! It was so cute! As we go through the weeks, I am hoping to become more organized with everything. Right now, we just go with the schedules...I have to learn to dedicate uninterupted time on Tues-Thurs to sit down and focus on this. It's so hard to do when I have appointments, grocery shopping, and other obligations! But, in time we will get there!!! It's a learning experience for both of us and I just have to keep one thing as the focus: have fun!

Words, Words, Words...I need more Words!

I started my book like I promised and I am so excited about it!! I need a minimum of 50,000 words (my short-term goal) and I'm sitting a little above 8,000. In between taking care of the kids, dealing with my own issues, and trying to enjoy the beautiful Alaskan summer, I just have to write when I can. I'm loving it, though! I have to admit that it is somewhat anxiety-inducing to be doing this because I am having revisit some memories I was hoping to suppress. But, I hope that my book will help other women out there and maybe offer them some hope and reassurance. So with that in mind, I keep plucking along...actually, typing along. Thanks for all of your support thus far. Who knows how long this will take (hopefully in 6 months I'll have my 50,000 words!), but I'll keep you posted.

I also constantly think of where this can take me and what I can do with this WHEN I make it happen! I know of a local postpartum support group that I can be a guest speaker at...I can possibly help within the Family Advocacy/New Parent Support area on base...I just don't know! But at least I have possibilities :)

On another note...I found out a few days ago that I indeed have Hashimoto's Disease. Not a shock to me because I have been begging doctors for the past couple of years to test me for it. So now we know why my thyroid is doing what it's doing. I will see the doctor in a couple of weeks and believe the next step is an ultrasound of my thyroid to see what is going on in there. So far, we can't find a dosage that my thyroid will respond to and it's quite frustrating. But I am starting to get answers and I take pride in the fact that I am so proactive with this disease and my doctor...if I wasn't, who knows what shape I'd be in now! So my thyroid battles continue...

Thanks again for all your support! I know I have many readers b/c I get emails about it. I wish I had time to sit down and keep up with my blog b/c I'm continuously coming up with creative topics. One of these days, right??

The best for our kids

I had to share some great info for those of you who watch what your kids eat like we do for Konnor & Kara! We eat wholesome foods, veggies, and fruits, and don't offer a lot of sugary foods in our house...processed foods are rarely found here, too. We try to take a more natural approach...and organic when we can. "Mommy Meal Makeovers" is a FANTASTIC cookbook, website, and blog!! Google them and I think you'll be hooked! I have yet to find a recipe in their cookbook that we don't like! Highly recommended ;)

On another note, it will come to a great shock to many of you that I am considering homeschooling! I have been researching this for a little bit now and started networking with local people for support. Rob & I are just discouraged by the public school systems and what they have to offer. If you were to have asked me 6 months ago about homeschooling, I would have laughed it off. But the more we talk about it, the more I am considering it. I know my kids better than any teacher...I know what their strengths and weaknesses are, what their learning styles are, etc and feel that they are safer at home and can get a better education at home than anywhere else. But I have my fears! I am a social person and I'm building the confidence that I can do this. Rob is extremely supportive (heck, he was the one that asked me to consider it!) and I figured that I may homeschool Konnor for preschool and see how we do. That way it will give me confidence and experience to see if this is for us. So, while I haven't fully made up my mind, I'm leaning towards pursuing it!! I'll keep you posted on that journey!

Finally, I have this strong desire to write a book about my postpartum depression experience! It will be a bit therapeutic for me, but I'm hoping I can help someone else! I have already started it and I'm researching publishing companies...so we'll see where this takes me! I'm so excited b/c I love to write!! Not sure how long it'll take to write, but I'll keep you posted :P

When breathing turns into a chore...

Ever felt like it took too much energy to just take a breath? That's how I feel lately. With my thyroid out of control again, I am so fatigue that I just want to lay on the floor all day and never get up. Breathing feels like a chore. I am not tired like I would be after a good workout, I am dead and so sluggish that I have to muster strength to do things. It's an awful feeling to have and anyone with hypothyroidism can surely relate. As if chasing after 2 kids wasn't enough! My hair is falling out again, my skin is so darn dry/itchy, my mind is forgetful, but my energy is just SHOT and it's debilitating!! I don't know how I get through the days and I wait for the near future when my new dosage starts working and my thyroid stabilizes. Until then, I will complain and be miserable like I'm doing here, lol! Thanks for listening to me rant.

Behind the dark, pink cloud, I found my angel

On September 16, 2008, my head was lifted into a dark, pink cloud that gradually smothered me. It was a joyous moment that was a sequel to a complicated and emotionally-draining 9 months. As days went on, I waited for that instant connection with this beautiful baby that God had given me. Days turned into weeks, and at 2 months postpartum, I lost touch with reality. The dark, pink cloud that God had graced me with was smothering my being. I began to quit exercising, withdrawing from my social outlets and friends, was irritable, started having racing thoughts, terrible insomnia, and finally a full-blown anxiety attack in which I thought I was going to die. I finally felt sympathy towards Andrea Yates and Susan Smith! What was I thinking? The only thing keeping me from turning my baby over to my husband was the fact that I was breastfeeding. It was the only thing I felt connected me to her, and I looked forward to it every 2 hours. We immediately sought help and even though I feared I was one step away from being hospitalized (which I didn't have to be), I survived! I knew what I needed to do, received the help and put myself on a road to recovery, with no looking back. A few months later after it all began, I started to see light behind the dark, pink cloud that was born to me. It was my beautiful angel with whom I could finally feel that I was in love with. I wait for her smiles, giggles, and cries. They bring light into my life. I was blind to them for the first few months. The saying, "Pink sky at night, sailors' delight" was the farthest thing from the truth for me. The pink cloud, my child, was not the "delight" everyone assumes a mother should feel, which added to my guilt. I know now that my complicated and emotionally-draining pregnancy increased the likelihood of me developing postpartum depression. Why am I writing about this now, 7 months later? Because I have been able to help a couple of women already by sharing my story/experiences, and if I could help someone else, GREAT! I have nothing to hide. The stigma that is placed on motherhood is harsh, and I can wake up in the morning and thank God for my children, my supportive husband, and for bringing me to where I am today. One of my biggest fears is that my daughter would remember all the horrible stuff that went on, and that my son would also suffer, but as my mom reminded me, "they are only going to remember the love you have for them" and that got me through some of the darkest days of my life. So the journey of motherhood continues (of course it is never-ending!), and I am a little stronger than I was yesterday...

Sugar Bugs

Today was Konnor's first real trip to the dentist! The first was when he was a year old and that doesn't count :) Anyways, I have talked to him about this day for a couple weeks now. I told him that the dentist was going to count his teeth, yada yada. This morning, I decided to get creative and got a rubbermaid container and sprinkled a little bit of pepper in it (yes, you'll see why!). I put a lid on the container and took it to Konnor in the bathroom. I told him we needed to brush his teeth and shake the sugar bugs into the bowl to take to the dentist and show the dentist that the sugar bugs are all gone. So, Konnor brushed is little teeth and tapped his toothbrush on the rim of the bowl and I'd quickly put the lid on it so that the "sugar bugs wouldn't escape!" Boy what a hit that idea was!! When we were all done brushing, he carried that little bowl around so proudly with his sugar bugs in them. As the "bugs" crawled up to the lid, he'd tap the lid so that they'd fall back in the bowl :) The true test was to come!...long story short, he did SOOOO well and was very well behaved. His first experience was surely memorable and pleasant. The dentist chuckled when Konnor proudly showed him his "sugar bugs"!!! Let's see how he does in 6 months when he goes back again for another check up and cleaning!!

Batteries...what happened to creative play??

Don't you just love how kids have a way of reminding you (as parents) that life gets too busy and everything runs like an energizer battery...never ending!? Konnor did this to me two days ago in the car. We ran into a store and I bought him this miniature wooden robot. He was having a blast with it in the store and car...the arms and legs move to different locations, the head turns all the way around. In the backseat of my car, I heard that the robot was dancing, then he was marching, running, etc...and then Konnor stops and asks me "where are the batteries?" I was taken by it and told him it didn't have any. Then I started to feel guilty wondering if my kid had too many "interactive toys" that have hit the stores these days. Yes, he has a TON of toys that are simple and enhance creativity (more than the "battery-filled" ones), but those "interactive" ones that he does have are his favorites sometimes. So what happened to giving kids a simple object and letting their imaginations run? What happened to those days when boxes and pots/pans did the trick? It definitely got my attention and I have been thinking about his question since the day it happened! While I think that toys that play music, talk, sing, move, etc are GREAT, I also think it's equally (if not more) important to have simplistic toys that stimulate their little minds. It's amazing what something as small as a fuzz can do (ever watched, "Horton Hears a Who")?? So as I am typing this, Konnor is on his laptop playing a little "mouse in the maze" game...wonder what we'll do when I close this laptop :)